


Rehearsals for Silence

by najaeri



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Twins, Wooyoung has a twin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:16:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29508885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/najaeri/pseuds/najaeri
Summary: Wooyoung is a nurse in ICU. He is an expert in his field but lacks in the love department. He has engaged in a turmoil relationship with Yunho, who has been at his feet for long lost years. However, both their lives change when Wooyoung finds a brother he never knew that existed, and that is about to be embraced by death.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Jung Wooyoung
Kudos: 7





	1. What are you doing to us?

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was posted in AFF as a YunJae (Yunho x Jaejoong) and JaeMin (Jaejoong x Changmin). My writing has also improved since this was written in 2014, but I love this fic and I think it would be a good fit. In AO3, it will be WooSan (San x Wooyoung) and 2Yun (Yunho x Wooyoung). All copyrights to me. Thank you!

The sky was entirely grey and the clouds were not so happy; they looked like they wanted to cry. People weren’t walking around, as usual, a classic effect of bad weather. The air sighed so strongly, that it sounded as if they wanted to tell us something. There was a heavy feeling, a melancholy surrounding the place that maybe some people didn’t notice, but a particular couple inside an apartment of that big building that can be looked at from afar, covered with glass and security noticed it.

Perhaps too much.

Wooyoung was furious as his eyes were engrossed in Yunho's. He had an internal fury that was eating his insides. He did nothing but arrive from the hospital, where he worked as a full-time nurse, and Yunho was in his fucking apartment like a god-damned stalker on his sofa, sitting calmly with crossed arms and legs and very sad eyes.

“How many times I have told you to not follow me around in my work?” demanded the other with a begrudging voice. Yunho simply smiled with bitterness.

“And how many times I have told you to stop fighting over nonsense?” he responded with sadness, but it only made the oldest angrier.

“Do you think it’s nice to have you in the hospital all day? Well, it isn’t,” Wooyoung dropped his keys on top of the little table. “I am sick of being watched by you.”

Yunho got up and looked at him. “You know that I do it in order to protect you. And I only go once a week. You are my boyfriend, Wooyoung; it shouldn’t bother you that much.”

“Well, let me tell you that not only does it bother me, it irritates me,” he answered with fervor. “So don’t do it anymore. I’m tired of it. I don’t even know why I’m still with you,” with those hurtful words, he dropped himself on the other sofa. Wooyoung didn’t even want to be close to him.

Yunho sighed trying to calm down. It looked like the other didn’t have a good day at his job –like it happened every day of Wooyoung’s life. But the youngest knew that this was all a lie. Yet he loved him too much, and decided to love that lie too-, and was irritable. It hurt him, but he knew being a nurse wasn’t easy, least if it was in the busiest hospital of Seoul. Of course, not everyone could enter there to work; only the best were admitted.

And he could never deny that his boyfriend was among the best.

Nevertheless, they always got into a fight when Yunho visited him. The worse was that if he didn’t go, the oldest fought either way. Their relationship wasn’t that good, but Yunho tried the impossible to retain it, and to please the other even if it hurt him in the process.

“Wooyoung, I work; I can’t be behind you all the time and that you know. If I go only once a damn week you shouldn’t care. On the opposite, you should be glad to see me.”

“Oh God Yunho shut up!” he screamed at him, throwing his Gucci glasses, almost breaking them. “You have told me the same damn thing every time we fight over this. You sound like a recorder and I don’t fucking need that.”

“Why don’t you just go and leave me alone? Having you around me gives me a headache. Not even a single day I can be alone.”

The youngest felt tears on his eyes but tried to hold them as much as he could. “But Wooyoung, I want to be with you. Can you just, only for a day, stop fighting with me and just enjoy the day as it should be?”

Wooyoung sarcastically laughed, and later put his eyes on his face.

“No, because I can’t bear to be with you.”

Yunho felt as cold as death when he heard him.

“It’s difficult because I do love you, Yunho, as weird as it sounds but what can I do? What can I do if all I do is think of how to be far away from you?”

The tears that he hadn’t wanted to fall finally did… and he let them. He only half-smiled as he began to talk.

“This is getting worse, you know? But it’s the truth. I know you don’t feel anything for me, and that I’m an idiot to still look for you, trying to make you feel better and wanting you with me, when in reality I was never the one to do it,” he finally responded as Wooyoung opened his eyes wider knowing what he had done.

“Yunho I…” he said getting up from the sofa.

“No,” interrupted the youngest. “It’s our reality, Wooyoung. This time, I won’t stop you. We cannot be together anymore; it’s a matter of fact. And your words only cement something; that this is not going to work. This ends now… and I’m glad I opened my eyes.”

Wooyoung bit his own lips with watery eyes. “Yunho, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say those words. I’m mad at something that happened at work; they blamed me for something I didn’t do. Of course, it all ended well, but I know I’m just stupidly wrong and that I’m hurting you and---“

“Woo,” called him the youngest, this time looking directly at his eyes. “Tell me what you really feel, and don’t lie me about your work. I know you are doing perfectly fine at the hospital, and that they can’t treat you better than they do. Your personal life is apart from your work, and you demonstrate it each day. Don’t let me fool you, because even if I am madly in love with you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t know what it’s really happening.”

Wooyoung gulped hardly. “Yun…”

“I want you to let out what you really feel,” he demanded, trying to not cry again.

“It’s the truth,” Wooyoung confessed. “What I told you it’s what I truly feel, but our love can beat anything, right? Why are you telling me this? Why are you doing this to me? I have been with you too long. I don’t want this to end. Please…”

Yunho bitterly smiled. “That’s what I wanted to know,” he said as he picked up his things to leave.

“Yunho no,” the oldest called him and grabbed his arm, not letting him go. The youngest barely looked at him as he released himself from his grip, walking towards the door and leaving the other in shock.

“Yun,” he called him again with a pleading voice. The other just nostalgically laughed.

“What are you doing to me, Wooyoung? Do you think this doesn’t hurt me as well? It does. Make up your mind; this is going to end sooner than we expected. We should end it now and walk our paths without each other. It’s the only thing we can do, as much as it hurts us.”

“But…”

“Don’t talk anymore. I feel the same for you, but I don’t want you anymore.”

_I don’t want you anymore because it’s hurting me. It hurts the fact that you still love me that you still want to fight for this when the war ended a long time ago. But what hurts me the most is that you love yourself more than you ever loved me and that you still want to stay with me when your heart is only yours, and not mine._

_Because I wasn’t that important, to begin with, because my love is not strong enough to keep you with me._

With those final words and those thoughts in mind, Yunho opened the door and left, leaving Wooyoung in tears.

+++

Wooyoung breathed in as he tried to internalize everything that had happened. A week ago, he had a fight with his best friend, his lover, his boyfriend… his everything, and it wasn’t right. Everything he said was a mistake and everything that occurred was not the way it should have been. It was wrong; everything was wrong. Each word, each sentence came out wrong… Completely wrong.

But the damage was done... it was too late.

He never wanted to do it, maybe not in that way. He hurt him and the worse part is that what he told him is the truth; that what he said was the reason for everything. Instead of stopping him, of telling him that they should stop and begin all over again, Yunho told him it was better to let it go. He didn’t beg him to stay, and that overcrowded his head badly. Either way, Wooyoung was stupid; he was so stupid because he was losing an important person in his life. The person who has been with him for so many years… was disappearing right in front of his eyes.

He caressed his own hands and bit his lips, trying to fight against the tears that were threatening to drown him. He didn’t know what to believe, and much less what to feel. Most of the things around him were spinning so much that he didn’t even know if he was in the living room or in his bedroom.

He smiled, but it was a bitter smile. It was as if his heart tasted like lime, and his saliva tasted like something sour.

But later he decided to get up.

He was going to change his destiny.

With that in mind, he escaped his nightmare to encounter his reality, now standing in front of a particular door, sighing to himself and thinking once again if it was correct to be in front of the apartment waiting for the door to be opened or if he should run to never come back. But he was selfish, and he wanted Yunho back.

Because he loved him.

He did in a weird way, in a form that it was difficult to explain but he loved him, and he will return to him.

Even if he had to die to have him once again.

He knocked on the door one, two, three times and the other opened it… becoming paralyzed when he saw the oldest.

“Wooyoung…”

“We have to talk,” said the newcomer.

Yunho looked at the other, not knowing what to do. He knew that if he closed the door, Wooyoung will stand there for hours or until he opened it to talk to him, so after thinking for a few minutes he decided to let the other enter.

The oldest gladly walked into the apartment and then sat on the sofa with a half-smile.

The youngest closed the door and walked towards the other sofa, sitting in it as he looked at Wooyoung’s face.

“What do you want, Wooyoung” he asked with tears on his eyes yet in a remarkably calm voice.

“I want to save this, Yunho,” he answered with still eyes, yet with a broken tone.

“It can’t be,” Yunho said as he moved his eyes to the floor. “This is it, Woo, we can’t---“

“Shut up,” Wooyoung said as his eyes became watery. “Don’t say that to me…”

“And what do you want me to say?” he replied looking at his eyes once again. He felt his soul breaking all over again; knowing those eyes he loved so much were about to cry. It made him feel pain, but he had to be strong no matter what.

“I want you to tell me that we are going to have another chance,” Wooyoung got up and sat beside him. Yunho tried to move but felt both of Wooyoung’s hands reaching for him with a sad glance on his shoulders.

Yunho wanted to scream. The pain was suffocating him, and the suffering was burning him.

“Yun,” Wooyoung called him, making the other tremble. “It wasn’t my intention, I swear it wasn’t…”

The youngest gulped and closed his eyes, letting the tears caress his cheeks. “You can swear whatever you want, but this is not going to work…”

The oldest let go of his hands and placed them in the shoulders of the other, shaking him strongly. “Jeong Yunho, what are you doing?” Wooyoung’s voice was almost inaudible. He didn’t know if it was because of the tears, or the pain. “You can’t leave me…”

The youngest took courage and looked at his eyes. “I can leave you because after all, you said the truth. We have been together for 11 years, Wooyoung; not two days, or two hours… but 11 years and you are tired, you are tired of me and I understand, because I am tired of you too.”

The nurse held desperately to the other’s neck as he began to cry. “No Yunho no…”

The worker closed his eyes, and the tears fell again.

“I didn’t want to…” Wooyoung began to talk, but Yunho stopped him by releasing himself from the other. Wooyoung, feeling empty couldn’t help but hug himself.

“You didn’t want to, but you did it,” he responded in anger.

_In anger because unfortunately, he was right._


	2. Expectation

“Yun…”

“Woo, enough,” he said wiping his tears. “It’s enough, not only you are suffering, but I am too. Do you think I want to see you like this? That it doesn’t hurt me to see you crying because of this? Or even more, do you think it’s easy for me to be without you? No, but I have to continue on with my life. I can’t be stuck in the past… in your past. I can’t, Wooyoung, I can’t…”

The youngest placed his feet on the floor and threw himself onto the oldest chest as he cried more. “Come back to me… Yun, I cannot live without you… I can’t… This week has been hell without you by my side… Please come back to me, Yunho…”

Yunho took the other’s hands and put them down, but Wooyoung didn’t let him, putting them again on his chest as he grabbed his t-shirt, still crying. The oldest sighed as he drank his own tears.

“I can’t go to you again, Wooyoung. I love you, yes… but I can’t. Even at this moment, I am very much still in love with you, but love is like a garden: if you don’t water it, they die because they can’t live only from the sun,” Yunho grabbed his face and looked at his eyes. “My tears talk more than me, Jung Wooyoung, but even if my heart keeps beating for you, I can’t give you what you want.”

“We have grown tired of each other and it’s normal. We thought this would last forever, but it couldn’t; it shouldn’t. In each beginning, there’s an ending, and in each ending, it’s a beginning. Go on without me, Wooyouing, like I will go on without you…”

_Because you never needed me as much as I needed you._

“No!” screamed the youngest, refusing with his head and letting go of Yunho. “I can’t go on without you! Understand it!”

“You are everything to me, you are everything I wanted, everything I wished, and everything I needed in my life. Don’t let a stupid mistake of mine fool your mind. Don’t let those thoughts tell you that I am tired of you, because it’s not the truth. I love you. I have been with you for 11 years of my life, how can I let them go down the drain? How can I if you are all I think about?”

Yunho smiled bitterly. “How many times have you told me the same thing, Wooyoung?”

Wooyoung froze.

“Analyze yourself after all these years, and how we end in the same routine. In each fight, you tell me you are tired of me. Later, you come back to me, saying the same words and I accept you, I let you come back into my arms because I love you, because I’m masochistic enough to do it; because I have always been madly in love with you.”

“We have been like this for 8 years,” Yunho said as he turned, giving his back to Wooyoung. “Do you think I don’t suffer? That it doesn’t hurt me? But I can’t be like this anymore, I just can’t. And if you grow tired after each year, each month, each day… I’m tired too, but after 11 years.”

“I love you, Wooyoung,” he confessed, intertwining his own hands. “But I don’t want you by my side.”

“Yunho, please…”

The called turned again and grabbed his arm, walking towards the door to open it and gently throwing the other to the other side.

“It hurts me, Wooyoung because you are being selfish. But now, I will only think about myself. Even though I will cry a lot, and I will want to go and get you, I will be strong; letting you go to where you belong…”

Wooyoung gave him a skeptical look.

“To nobody,” and he closed the door.

The oldest felt his legs giving up on him and fell on knees on the floor, sobbing louder.

Yunho put his back on the door and allowed himself to fall little by little as he punched his chest. It didn’t hurt, not like he wanted. He wanted to physically hurt in order to cover up his internal pain, but he couldn’t. The suffering devastated him so much, but it had to be done. What he did was what he should have done long ago, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt him as it did.

Because he loved Jung Wooyoung, but Wooyoung couldn’t.

The other was behaving like a child, but it was out of habit more than anything. Maybe Wooyoung did love him, but not with the intensity to change himself. That guy that either left or is crying his eyes out behind the door, won’t change. Yunho knew it, and accepted it 11 years later. That man didn’t know what was true love, nor did he care about other people’s feelings. He only knew how to inflict pain, or how to manipulate for his own convenience. He created himself that way, and even though the youngest knew how he was, he fell in love with him.

The first three years were simply amazing. The youngest almost convinced everybody that he changed for the best and that he was the perfect match for Yunho but in the end… it was all in vain. Not for him, of course. He always thought Wooyoung would actually change and become a better person in the name of love.

But he was wrong.

Maybe in the beginning Wooyoung did love him, but later he didn’t. Or maybe the reality was that he never did, that it only was a one-way ticket…

His best friends told him. His co-workers told him, even his mom told him… every person that cared about him told him the way Wooyoung was. They warned him about what kind of person the other was, but he was blinded by love. And he still loved him, and he will still love him for years to come, but he was tired… too tired to be behind him.

The continuous fights, the confrontations, the whims, and the betrayals… it was too much. How many times he found him on a bed with another, and he kept it all to himself in order to protect Wooyoung, and to protect their relationship. How many times he tried to be the best for the other; the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend and he rejected it all to go to a party. Everything he did for the other, only to find despair.

But it was all done in the name of love.

Of a painful love…

And that’s why he stopped; he stopped because it has been more pain than love, so he let him go. He let him go and he won’t accept Wooyoung back even if his heart was slowly dying.

He only wanted to open the door and run into the youngest arms, because he liked the poison. He liked the way Wooyoung’s poison ran over him and made him feel numb, but in love. He didn’t want to leave, but the little pride he had, the little dignity that flowed in himself told him “stop, it’s not safe; it is not good for you. For once, love yourself”. He never listened to them, but he did. This time, he did.

For his own sake.

But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going up and drink everything he could.

Because for him, that was the only way to burn the pain he had inside.

So he got up, wiped his tears, and walked towards his shelf. It was covered in alcohol and he half-smiled. He carefully opened it and took the first bottle his hands grabbed.

He talked to himself as he opened the liquor: “To the first day of being single, to years of pain, months of suffering… and in the name of the love that I still have for Jung Wooyoung.”

With those final words, he drank the first half of the bottle as he began to walk around the house; remembering the last years he had spent with Wooyoung.

Because everything he looked at, everything that was in front of his eyes and even the damn rum he was drinking in order to forget... reminded him of the other: The dangerous, poisonous, but beautiful Jung Wooyoung and with that in mind, he drank the other half.

“I want to hate you so much,” he began to talk to himself as he grabbed another bottle, opening it. “But I can’t…” he let his legs hit the floor, as he hugged the brand new liquor and cried his heart out. “I can’t forget you… I love you so much, Woo, I love you too much…”

“Why didn't you change?” he asked, as he drank a little from the bottle. “Why don’t you come back to me as you were; with morals?”

“Why didn’t I listen to the others? Why I did end up falling in love with you?” he bitterly laughed to himself. “I know… I know why, Jung Wooyoung… because you are beautiful. Even your dirty inside is… All of you is simply beautiful. Even if you are damned inside, even if you are what people don’t want to be, I saw what others couldn’t, but I am not enough for you, Woo…”

“I never was, I never will, I will never be…”

“Because I know, Woo; I know… that your heart isn’t mine. Your heart is just yours; you never gave it to anyone, and you probably never will. You never loved me as much as I loved you, and I know because not even half of you was mine, simply because you never loved me…”

“And it hurts me,” he kept talking as tears fell and his lips tasted like alcohol. “You don’t know what is to feel like this… I wanted to give you so much, but you didn’t let me. I was willing to lose my life for you, to give it to you, and when I did, you killed me. But I was blind, and for me, it was the best death ever, but it hurt me each second, each minute, each hour, each day…”

“And still, I am stupid… I am so stupid… because after all, you did, after all the pain, after all the suffering, and after knowing what you really are… I still love you, Jung Wooyoung…”

“But I will say goodbye, Woo. Farewell… because after you, nobody will come to my life. Goodbye love, I don’t want to see you anymore and don’t dare to search for me again. Tell Cupid he isn’t welcome. My heart is too broken to fix and too dirty to mend. Goodbye to my memories, because they were too painful for me to bear, and even if they reminded me of the spare and fleeting good times, I can’t remember them now. It just hurts me to know that I had you between grass and flowers…”

“I had you in between because you were never mine.”

+++

Wooyoung arrived at his apartment as a complete mess. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair was untidy, and most importantly: his eyes were red; too red for his liking. He stood crying for about 30 minutes in front of Yunho’s apartment and he would still be crying his heart out if he hadn't gotten the neighbor's attention. And that’s the last thing he wanted or needed. He thanked his mind for grabbing his Gucci glasses, so he could hide his eyes.

But as he put them, he still cried silently.

He walked for a long time before leaving the complex. Everything for him was going in slow motion. When he finally came out, he waited for the bus to arrive and decided to stop at the mall. There, he looked around for hours. His feet were stomping the floor like there was no tomorrow. He spent most of the day trying to forget about what happened, and even if he achieved it at times, Yunhon appeared in his mind's eye.

Again.

He later thought it was better to just go to his apartment, and that was what he did. Before getting out of the bus, he sighed to himself, took out his keys, and waited for the elevator to come down. His mind was full; it didn’t have space for anything or anybody that wasn’t his now ex-boyfriend. But what should he do? He spent so many years with him and breaking up with him this way was something he didn’t expect.

Not like that.

When he opened the door after getting out of the elevator, he closed it and just dropped himself to the sofa, looking at the ceiling. He bitterly smiled, knowing that after all he thought about the situation, it was better that way.

It was better if he wasn’t with Yunho anymore.

He hurt him too much, and he couldn’t mend his heart no matter how he tried. It was broken to pieces, and it was his fault.

But what could he do?

He laughed, drowning himself in tears once again.

“You always had it right, Yunho,” he began to talk to himself. “This had to end one way or another…” he sighed as the tears fell. “But it’s my fault, like always.”

“You have everything in a man, Yun, and you must be hating me, but I'll let it be that way… I'll let it be that way because it’s my fault. It’s been my fault from the beginning because I fell out of love. I didn’t think it was possible, but it was. I should have ended this a long time ago, since our third year together, but I couldn’t. I was a coward, and I admit it. I grew tired of it; I grew tired of you because I am like that… I get bored easily and I prefer to search for new adventures, for new goals…”

“I was with you because I was accustomed to you, and I didn’t like to be alone again. But let me tell you that I changed, even if it was for a short while, I did when I was with you. Even though later I changed for the worse, making this relationship one based on lies and betrayals, I am glad it was you. I even thank you for dealing with me all this time, because not only does it make you human; it makes you perfect. It’s a pity it didn’t end earlier because you were hurting in the process, but as I said it’s my fault. Everything that happens around me it’s my fault, and it will be like that until I die.”

“It’s my fault for making you be influenced solely by me when everybody knows who I am, and how I am. Yes, Yun, it’s true; all that was said about me is the plain truth. I’m a person that only knows how to hurt others, and how to make them suffer. I’m a person that doesn’t have sympathy for others, but most important I’m a big egoist. A narcissist, Yunho, that's all I am. I don’t even know what love is… because I have never been in love. Even though I do love you, it’s not real; it’s not what you need, or what you want. But don’t expect me to change, because I won’t.”

“At least know that I loved you,” he felt his tears on his lips. “In a wrong way, but I did love you…”

“But you know what hurts me the most out of this?” he laughed out of bitterness. “That I hurt you... but I don’t regret it.”

“I’m sick,” new tears were caressing his eyes. “In every aspect of my life, I’m sick. But as I said, I won’t change. This is who I am; this is how I decided to be. I don’t deserve anything, but nobody deserves me either. I am the worst being alive, and nobody is worse than me, but I like the way I am; I am proud of how and who I am. Because I am original and unique…”

“Because I am Jung Wooyoung,” he smiled.

“There hasn’t been a man who has changed me. There hasn’t been a single person who has changed me, and you won’t be the exception, Yunho. I was born to be bad, I was born to do things the wrong way…”

“I was born to make people suffer and to be alone.”

“And I’m sorry, Jung Yunho. I am very sorry because I don’t feel sorry at all.”

With all of this in mind, he fell asleep on the couch, thinking of a better tomorrow, and wanting to know what Yunho was doing.

But most important… in how he will deal with all of this.


	3. I Hope

A month later, in some other part of Seoul, the sky was clear, full of life. The clouds played with themselves and even created figures. The blue that identified the beautiful sky was more vibrant than ever, and it made people happy. They, who walked under it, were chatting and laughing as nothing else mattered. The scenery was simply breathtaking, worthy to look at.

Woojoong, a famous fashion designer of Seoul was in his apartment along with his husband. He was in another world, in Morpheus’s arms when he suddenly woke up, completely startled. He later realized he was quite late, and deeply sighed.

Fucking alarm clock.

He got up from the bed and hurriedly dressed. He thanked his brilliant brain for always putting clothes on top of the chair beside his bed.

You never knew if there was an emergency coming, so he had it that way in order to just dress up in any case.

He left the room and walked down the stairs. He kept walking until he arrived at the kitchen and smiled to himself. Woojoong saw the perfect man in that gorgeous kitchen with a suit, plain black coffee, and a piece of bread. He looked so handsome he had to gasp, but the latter heard him, making him turn to see the other, gifting him a smile.

Woojoong simply hugged him, putting his head on his husband’s right shoulder. The latter kissed his forehead, and carefully placed the coffee on the kitchen board next to him.

The oldest broke the hug and just looked at the other eyes.

Both smiled.

“Sannie,” he said to the other. “Where are you going today?”

“To the company, obviously,” he responded with a little bit of irony and Woojoong lightly punched his chest. San just laughed and asked with his normal voice. “Are you going with me?”

Woojoong denied with his head. “I have to do some clothes before going to your company.”

“Our company,” corrected the youngest and smiled. The oldest simply laughed.

“Just don’t show up late, okay?” said San while messing with the other’s hair. “And please, as soon as you finish, call me.”

Woojoong nodded his head. “Where’s my kiss?” He laughed again and made San’s heart melt.

Listening to him was music to his ears, and blood to his veins. Woojoong in his eyes was simply beautiful, and nothing would change that.

“Always available,” he answered, getting nearer the other and finally, putting his lips on top of the other. Woojoong embraced his neck with his arms, smiling in between. The kiss was slow and delicate… full of love. It screamed of two people deeply in love, and two people giving their hearts to each other.

Every morning was almost the same; almost, because sometimes Woojoong over-slept –and even if it wasn’t often, he still did-, but they would never change it for anything in the world. They were born to be together, and they will die together. They knew that even after death, they will find each other again to continue what couldn’t have be done on Earth because a relationship like that shouldn’t finish even if they die.

It was one of the few perfect relationships, where everything was love, peace, and harmony. Those that say such a relationship doesn’t exist, haven’t met them. It was the most perfect example of it.

True love exists after all.

Like any other pairing, they had their fights, and their arguments between points of view, but their love was stronger than anything, and after the day passes, with a calmer mind, they talk to each other in order to resolve it and everything’s fine again. If people could take their example, and put love before pride, maybe love would truly last.

Woojoong broke the kiss and smiled at San. “Go to work, you are going to be late,” he said to him as he fixed the other’s tie. He then kissed San again, but it was shorter than the first one. “I am so sorry for not making you breakfast, but I over-slept.”

San heart fully laughed. “It’s okay, I don’t mind,” he smiled. “As long as you love me, I’m fine,” Woojoong felt his soul melt as he listened to his words, and couldn’t help but smile. “And you must be tired anyway. Don’t think I didn’t notice the hour you arrived.”

The oldest only half-smiled; he couldn’t respond to that. It was difficult to hide things from San, but at least the youngest knew he was going to arrive late that day.

“Eat breakfast at the company’s cafeteria. If I know you didn’t, I will punch the hell out of you,” Woojoong threaten him between laughs, completely changing the matter.

San nodded, letting the matter go as well. “Whatever you say, love,” he responded to later kiss both of his cheeks. “Be careful, okay?”

The oldest looked at the youngest with eyes full of love. “Yes… I will… I love you…”

San couldn’t resist and hugged his waist, kissing him again. He loved him completely. He loved each thing the other did and every time he spent with him. The fashion designer was his sweetest unbridled love, his biggest desire, and his most valuable blessing. Woojoong laughed in the middle of the kiss and answered to it happily, but later separated from his lips.

“Just go… Why do you always arrive late at work?” Woojoong laughed again, and San died inside.

“Because you are here…” he gave the other a little kiss on his lips. “But I really should go now; if I don’t, I will just spend the entire day kissing you.”

The oldest smiled fully enamored with his husband. He was so in love that he couldn’t help it. Either way, he opened the door and pushed San outside. “You are late,” he closed the door and smiled to himself, beginning to walk towards the living room.

However, San opened the door again and walked towards him, hugging his back as he whispered in his ear. “Come with me…”

Woojoong gulped and lovely sighed. “Sannie-ah…” the latter felt like just turning the other, kiss him badly and make love to him in that precise moment. He wanted the world to know that Choi Woojoong was his and nobody else.

“I have to finish…” Woojoong said in a murmur. He turned himself to look at San’s eyes, but they were closer than ever. Their mouths were in front of each other, but they couldn’t kiss each other. If they did, San will lose his sense, and Woojoong will fall in his arms; letting the other do whatever he wanted. “And you will arrive late; too late…”

San heavily sighed. “Oh God, I hate being separated from you,” he confessed, biting his own lips in order to not kiss him. “I have a wish right now… and it’s just to make you mine all over again.”

Woojoong laughed to not moan. That man in front of him made him go crazy and his body scream in pleasure for him. Everything was about San; everything was to him and for him. “You have to go…”

The youngest gave him a peck and ran for his life simply because he knew that if he stayed one more minute, he wouldn’t go to work.

The oldest smiled again and closed the door again, sighing to himself. San was everything he wanted and everything he could have asked for; he was happy enough to have found him. Nevertheless, he was the vice president of the company, and him a simple fashion designer. They each have their own jobs, and even if they spent most of their time together since Woojoong made clothes for San’s company, they couldn’t help but miss each other, especially when the latter had so many things to do.

The blonde picked up his things; all already ordered. He woke up every day to do it; he liked being organized with everything cleared by the time he would leave. And anyway, he also got up because he had to make San some breakfast; that consumed part of his time, but he was worth it. Woojoong is, was, and will be the love of his life.

Until death do they part.

That’s what they said to each other in Canada two years ago, and what they say to each other every day. In that little game of “I love you”, “I want you,” and “I miss you”, they had been eleven years together… the best ones of their lives, and the ones they won’t give to anybody. They are selfish, but they are happy, because happiness can’t be gifted but earned, and that’s exactly what happened to them. They won it with lots of sacrifices, fighting not only with each other in order to escape their own feelings, but also with others in order to be happy.

Tears, headaches, suffering, angst… they passed through all; they made it, and there’s no more proof than spending 11 years of pure love.

Woojoong smiled as he remembered it, and with these thoughts, he left the apartment.

He thought everything was going to be fine and normal as always until he suddenly stopped and grabbed his chest.

“Not again…” he said to himself as he was short of breath. He bit his own lips as he put his other hand on the door to sustain his body. He gasped for air, but the oxygen didn’t want to fill his lungs.

He felt a stabbing pain that made him fall on his knees, tightening his hands. The sweat became cold as he fiercely closed his eyes. The pain never subsided, but instead increased. He had it before; for months to be exact, but never this much, never this strong. With his busy life being a fashion designer and a faithful husband he didn’t have the time, and when he did he thought of Yunho; knowing it will worry him if he went to a cardiologist.

And because he simply thought it would disappear soon.

But he was wrong.

At first, it was just like a prick in his chest. They increased with time, but never like this. This pain was worst. He felt like his chest was tearing up, that the air wasn’t filling up his lungs and that everything was turning into a massive blur.

He only heard: “Woojoong, what’s happening?!” before his surroundings turned black.

But it was only for an instant.

+++

A month has passed since he broke up with Yunho, and even though Wooyoung was sad, it seemed that he was better without him. He sometimes thought about the other, but it was nothing major, yet it was to be expected. They were 11 years together, and it was quite normal to miss and think about him from time to time. However, Wooyoung was born to be alone, to not belong to someone. He was even surprised to have lasted this long with Yunho.

The only thing he really wanted to know was if Yunho had gotten over him, but he knew that was quite impossible.

Yunho loved him too much.

He loved him in a way Wooyoung couldn’t love him, or love someone else.

But he just stopped thinking about it; he had other things to do. He had the night shift for the day because the one that should be in his place was on a vacation. Wooyoung, being the workaholic he was, accepted the offer –and they were paying him extra hours, so it was a plus-.

Wooyoung was now at a patient’s room, checking that everything was in normal and in a perfect place. Being a nurse in the Intensive Care Unit was not easy, but he liked it. His passion since he was little was to take care of the sick, and save lives, and even though he had a very-not-so-reputable love life and life in general, nobody could deny that Wooyoung was born to be a nurse.

For him, his job was everything he asked, and everything he needs. It is for the only thing he would give his life without asking for something in return.

However, he felt a pain in his chest and hissed to himself.

He had the same pain for months now, and he didn’t know why. He appointed a chest X-ray with a doctor –who happens to be a friend of his-, and everything was perfect. His co-workers told him it may be stress either from his work or personal life –that most people knew about but ignored because after all, Wooyoung was a great worker-, but he knows it was something more that he couldn’t explain.

And the medical reasons given by them were nowhere near close to what was happening.

He loved his job, and even if his life was still an old gossip, his love life ended a month ago, and the pain continued.

Nevertheless, as soon as he felt steps moving towards him, he turned to look who it was. The pain was disappearing, but not completely so he half smiled, hiding what he was really feeling.

It was his night shift co-worker, who was clearly agitated with a big folder in her hands.

“Wooyoung!’ she exclaimed, breathing heavily after running for about 10 minutes until finding him. “They want me to bring you to ER; to the operation room.”

The male nurse looked strangely at her. “But that’s not my place anymore. They transferred me to here a long---“

The nurse nodded, interrupting him. “I know Woo oppa, but the one who has that shift is free today and we are short on personnel. We called him a few times but there’s not answering,” she sighed. “A man had a heart attack, and we need someone specially trained for this and who’s better than you, who was in that area for years.”

Wooyoung began to run, taking from his pocket a pair of gloves and a mask, putting them on as his feet kept running. He almost fell walking down the stairs, but he made it on time. The guard, standing in front of the door, recognized him and let him enter.

+++

San was tightly hugging Hongjoong, who had his boyfriend, Seonghwa, by his side. San hopelessly cried in the youngest arms, not knowing what to do. The suffering was drowning him like he was in the ocean without knowing how to swim. Nobody would understand what was happening in his insides, what was happening in his heart, because they had to be him in order to know.

And he didn’t want anybody to take his place.

That call… that call broke him into pieces. The whole world fell in front of his eyes, and he couldn’t stop it as he wanted. It was like everything surrounding him froze and time stopped. It was as if they stabbed him right in the heart like they wanted him to stop breathing and living.

It was simply killing him.

_“Good morning. Are you Choi Woojoong’s family?”_

_“I’m his husband,” he answered, feeling bad and sad all of the sudden. “What’s happening?”_

_“Choi Woojoong is at Seoul Medical Center in ER. He’s in the operation room. We are sad to deliver the bad news, but he suffered from a heart attack, and we need you here as soon as possible.”_

_“He may not survive.”_


	4. Remainders

It was too much for him; too much for his poor soul to take; too much for his heart to bear. It was too much for his everything and his nothing. He could only cry, cry and cry. But that didn’t make him feel any better…

It was actually worse.

Because it meant that he could lose him.

Seonghwa refrained himself… only caressing his hair as he just began to say comfort words to the other like: ‘Woojoong will be okay’. ‘Don’t worry, he will overcome this.’ ‘It’s only a bad moment,” etc. The oldest knew it wouldn’t work, but at least he was there for him. And he would always be.

Like San was when his ex died.

If there’s someone who can understand in every aspect what was San feeling, it was him. He passed through a lot, and he didn’t want San to suffer the same. It was too difficult; too painful to know you were losing him.

But it was way more painful to know that at the end of the day, you lost him.

He could only pray to God to not take Woojoong back into the heavens. That would kill San for sure. If Seonghwa went nuts enough when he lost his ex, he could not imagine how San would be if Woojoong died. It made his heart jump in sorrow and made his eyes became watery.

He still loved his ex and remembered him every day, but he knew that maybe things were made to happen that way. Maybe God wanted it to be that way so he could meet his actual boyfriend, who happens to be the love of his life, and the one who repaired his heart. And even though he was happy to be with Hongjoong, who changed his life for the better, that was a history that only happened once in a lifetime. It couldn’t be repeated, no matter how much he wanted.

And he knew that Woojoong and San were a pairing that made him heaven for Earth.

It was something that shouldn’t occur.

It was impossible for them to be separated from each other.

If Woojoong truly died, San would follow him, and that was his biggest fear.

He knew San would take his life in order to reunite with his lover.

Seonghwa tried to hold back his tears; he had to be strong for the other. But he couldn’t hold it anymore when his dearest murmured in his ear: “Let it go…”

And he did.

Seonghwa let go of San for a while and held on to Hongjoong like he was dying, feeling his soul collapsing. He began to cry for the lost love, for Woojoong, and for San.

The doctor came out, and neither Seonghwa nor San heard his footsteps, but Hongjoong did. He sighed to himself because even if it killed his boyfriend and his friend, they needed to know. And of course, he wanted the doctor to give the news to the three of them, not only to him.

He wanted good news, but he knew deep inside his heart they were going to be far from good…

Seonghwa looked at the doctor and San bitterly smiled as the first one hugged him again. San didn’t want to speak to the doctor, he was too absorbed in what he should do, in what he should think about; because the pain was consuming him, and he didn’t even know what he was doing.

Nevertheless, San broke the hug and slowly walked towards the doctor. Then, he looked at him with red eyes and a broken heart.

“Doctor… please tell me… shed some light on me… and tell me he is okay…” Seonghwa rapidly stood beside him and put his hand on his shoulder giving him comfort.

The doctor sadly smiled.

San felt new tears running on his cheeks, Seonghwa felt his heart freeze in his chest, and Hongjoong simply put himself aside of San, expecting the worse.

“The person who found your husband and gave him first aid saved his life. But, you have to know that when he arrived, he had another heart attack. We could save him from that last one, but since it was one after another, we had no choice but to have open-heart surgery. We found out he had angina due to ischemia of the heart muscle, due to an obstruction of the coronary arteries. As far as I know, it wasn’t properly treated, or he didn’t want to check himself, therefore he didn’t know. So that prone him to have a heart attack.”

The doctor continued explaining: “We repaired it. This is something very common, and even if it’s fatal, with fast help as it happened with Woojoonh, he was saved. Unfortunately, we have been checking his heart every half an hour and although everything seems quite fine, he had a shock due to having two heart attacks in less than an hour. What I mean is that he’s in a coma, and we don’t know how long it will take for him to wake up. It can take a week, a month, or even years…”

San got dizzy and fell into Seonghwa’s and Hongjoong’s arms. The doctor only looked at the floor. He gave this kind of news every day, and even if he was pretty much used to it, it still wasn’t easy. He was a human after all, and he could not completely understand what those families felt when he tells the patient has gone into a coma, he knew the pain because he saw it in their eyes, in their tears, and he also knew how difficult it was to accept it and to know that they may or may not come back.

“I’m sorry,” said the doctor, bowing a little. “We will keep you updated with whatever happens. For now, that is all. Excuse me,” he was about to leave when Wooyoung appeared. He took off his mask, his gloves and touched the doctor’s shoulder; proceeding to give him some information.

“They did a CT Scan to know if his brain is working properly. We found out that as you said, he had a shock. We are waiting for more accurate results, and as well for you to give us an opinion. I hope everything comes out well, and that it isn’t as bad as we expect,” Wooyoung smiled. “You know I have faith in these types of situations…”

The doctor laughed a bit. “I would love to have your optimism.”

Wooyoung chuckled. “You should,” he said in a joking voice, as he continued to inform. “They put him in ICU. Minah, Yeosang, and the other two did that job. We will keep an eye on him to see how it goes. These hours are critical, but we hope everything comes out alright even if he’s in a coma.”

The doctor looked at his face. “How do they see him in general terms?”

“Well, you know how they are; they don’t give hope to anybody. And I understand them, I mean, two heart attacks one after another is not easy, and being in a coma is even worse… but if he survived to both of them, and we fixed the arteries, he will come out of that coma for sure.”

“Let’s hope God hears you,” the doctor said.

Wooyoung smiled again. “Have faith. He looks like a strong man, and you know we have lost people in situations less complicated and severe than this one. Don’t let yourself down because of this, and let time decide.”

They continued their little talk about the patient while a particular person looked completely in shock at the nurse.

Hongjoong was disconcerted. Woojoong was in a coma, or so the doctor said, but… what was he doing talking with the doctor in perfect health? Or was he beginning to have hallucinations? The oldest rubbed his eyes, but the other was still there. He decided to pinch himself, but the other was still there.

It looked so real… too real…

_It can’t be._

Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa, who was trying to console the inconsolable San. Later, he looked at the doctor and the nurse, and he kept moving his head forward and backward for a couple of minutes until Wooyoung realized it, and since he was a very curious person, he began to walk towards Hongjoong, leaving the doctor with some words on his mouth.

“Excuse me,” he gently said. “I know you have been looking at me for a while,” he now smiled. “So, may I help you with something?”

Hongjoong screamed when he saw the nurse in front of him, making Seonghwa and San look at him even in suffering.

They couldn’t believe it either.

Seonghwa grabbed Hongjoong’s hand, and San threw himself into Wooyoung’s arms.

“Woojoong!” he excitedly called him, hugging him with all his might as he began to cry, but this time in happiness. Wooyoung was in shock; he couldn’t move, nor did he know what to do. The doctor saw the scene and was deeply confused; he didn’t know what was happening, or why the husband’s patient was acting like that.

“I knew you were okay and that the hospital made a mistake when they called me!” San said with hope in his voice. “You are safe and sound… and in my arms… Oh, my love, I am so happy…”

The nurse delicately broke the hug and began to talk with a sweet voice: “Excuse me, sir, but you are confusing things. I am not---“

“Woojoong,” he called him again, taking his face into his hands and looking at him at his eyes. “Why you are telling me it’s not you? I’m looking at you, breathtaking as always; like I left you at our apartment.”

The nurse couldn’t help but laugh. “Sir, I’m a nurse and not who you are saying I am. To inform you, that’s not even my name. My name is---“

San crossed his arms, still looking deeply into his eyes. “Woojoong… Stop playing with me, okay? You scared me so much I even thought---“

The doctor interrupted him, putting Wooyoung behind him. “Sr. Jung, stop. As I told you, Choi Woojoong is actually in critical condition, and the one you are talking to be a simple nurse of this hospital. You can’t---“

The businessman put his now furious eyes on the doctor. “And who are you to tell me or not tell me what I have to do? I do not believe you, because the one behind you is my husband. So, please release my husband, and give him back to me.”

“Sir, you are not seeing things well. Your husband is---“

“Are you telling me I’m crazy?” he asked the doctor, and later sarcastically laughed. “If I were nuts, I wouldn’t be looking at my husband right now, safe and sound. The only one who’s crazy is you, doctor, telling me the love of my life is in a coma thanks to a heart attack,” he concluded as he grabbed Wooyoung by his shoulder, making him release the doctor.

Wooyoung screamed when he felt his hands leaving his co-worker, and that made Hongjoong leave his train of thoughts. He took both of San’s hands, forcing the other to let go of Wooyoung. “San, you have to stop; he is not Woojoong.”

The younger began to fight against Hongjoong’s handgrip. Seonghwa, who was in another world too, woke up from it and helped his boyfriend.

“Let go of me!” San said, beginning to cry once again. “Why are you doing this to me?! He’s Woojoong! Let me go to him!”

The doctor whispered to Wooyoungs’s ear: “Leave.”

The nurse scarily and nervously nodded a few times before running for his life.

“Woojoong, where are you going?! Woojoong why are you leaving me?! Woojoong!” the businessman screamed with all his might as his friend tried as they could to not lose their grip on him.

The doctor began to call some nurses and guards, briefly explaining what was happening. Not even 3 minutes passed when the people he called appeared running and dragged San out of the hospital as he kept screaming his husband’s name and fought against the others to find whom he thought was the love of his life.

The doctor couldn’t help but look at the other two victims, without still knowing what was exactly going on or what happened a few seconds ago. He was completely lost; confused at all of this.

The professional didn’t understand, but Hongjoong and Seonghwa did understand.

They understood because that nurse was identical to **Woojoong.**


End file.
